I've recently discovered this wonderful show that's apparently been on for 6 years about a team from the FBI that tracks down psychopaths. The fact that it's now in syndication means that it is almost literally always on. Which means that I am almost literally always watching it.
The effect of this new fixation of mine is that I now have dreams about friends and loved ones turning into serial killers and everywhere I go I find myself calculating the danger of abduction.
On the plus side, I feel like I am much more aware of how to avoid being locked in a madman's basement for 2 months before he cuts my head off and leaves my body to be found in the woods by some poor hiker.
Here are some things I've learned:
- First and foremost: Do not join the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI unless you are prepared to be shot, stabbed, brutally beaten and/or have loved ones murdered. Or be tied up in a cabin and tortured on camera for your teammates to watch. Or have to fake your own death and flee the country. Or just have a mental breakdown, forcing you to retire.
But that's pretty easy to avoid. Here's the real important stuff:
- If someone tells you to keep quiet or he'll kill you, go ahead and scream your head off. Best case scenario: Someone comes to rescue you or he gets scared and runs away. Worst case scenario: He kills you. Only in this case it will probably be quick, as apposed to the indeterminate amount of time he would have had to torture and then kill you.
- If you are an attractive woman between the ages of 15 and 40, do not go to isolated places alone. Ever.
- Actually, don't go to crowded places alone either. Especially at night. Or sometimes even during the day. And sometimes even being in a pair or a small group won't help.
- You know what, if you are an attractive woman between the ages of 15 and 40 you basically have a 50/50 shot of being raped and murdered.
- Using a show-my-location function on a social networking site is like wearing a sign that says 'Stalkers Welcome.'
- White males between the ages of 15 and 40 are like ticking time bombs of crazy, homicidal impulses.
- The more normal and non-threatening he seems, the more likely he is to have an 8 year-old boy chained to his bed.
- Kicking your attacker in the balls is always a good idea.
- No matter how many times you tell your kids about 'Stranger Danger' they will still wander off to help the nice man find his lost puppy.
- Actually, most kids are abducted by someone they know, so 'Stranger Danger' doesn't really help.
- Basically, don't let your kids out of your sight. Under any circumstances. Even in your own house.
- If the hot guy who asked you out seems too good to be true he's probably going to shoot you.
- The guy at the bar trying to pick you up is probably thinking of all the different ways he could cook you.
- If you mistreat the poor kid from the broken home when you're children it will come back to bite you in the ass later. And also, probably a whole lot of other people that remind him of you. So thanks a lot, asshole.
- When a woman kills herself, she generally tries to avoid making a mess. Because she knows someone is going to have to clean that up. Men don't give a shit.
- If a man likes to stab people, it's probably because he's impotent.
- When in doubt, don't trust anyone. Better yet, even when you're not in doubt don't trust anyone. Not even your own mother. Ok, maybe your mother. BUT THAT'S IT!
- If you happen to find yourself at an active crime scene, look around you. One of the other people gawking with you is probably the killer.
(Also, look around because one or more of the investigating officers is probably going to be really, really hot.)
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