Regarding the fact that she spent $3,900 on childcare this year:
Her
I gave it to some old lady to keep her from drinking bleach or drowning in the toilet.
Me
If she managed to drown in the toilet I would be impressed.
Her
Have you not seen the caution labels on buckets? Little kids will drown in a bucket that has 3 inches of water.
Me
That's ridiculous.
Her
Because they do crap like that. Top heavy little bastards.
Me
Maybe an infant who can't use his arms.
Her
The reason they're so cute is because their heads are so big.
Me
They fall into buckets face first and are then unable to extricate themselves?
Her
Yep
Me
I feel like they would have to try to drown. I mean, if they just fell over the bucket would tip over. I call bullshit.
Her
"Anywhere from 10 to 40 children a year drown in buckets. Plastic buckets now come with a warning label to warn parents of drowning danger."
Me
Are these retarded, armless babies? How large are these buckets in relation to said babies?
Her
I guess anything they can get their heads in.
Me
I think if you drown in a bucket it's natural selection and you weren't meant to live.
Her
But are they looking into the water as they drown? Because upside down you have the length of your head to your nose. Unless your head is tilted in a manner that your face is in the bottom of the bucket.
Me
Is the bucket nailed to the floor?
Her
I call shenanigans.
Me
I do too.
Regarding a coworker's assertion that a deadly flu is making its way around:
Her
I googled it. Some old man died in Boston but it was just regular flu. All I saw was that it's hitting earlier in the season than usual. No one is tottering around in hazmat suits and breathing machines.
Me
They talk about killer flus every year. I don't know why people are so afraid of the flu. It's not the 1800s.
Her
I think as a people we must constantly feel like our lives are at stake to keep from realizing how futile everything really is.
Me
So we have to be afraid that we're about to die so that we don't just give up?
Her
Exactly. So we can feel like we overcame adversity.
Me
I never feel like I'm overcoming adversity.
Her
"I'm a survivor! So I won't need to kill myself today!"
"I could have gotten the flu yesterday... BUT I DIDN'T!"
"WATCH ME ROCK THIS SURVIVAL THING"
Me
So I should congratulate myself on not dying every day?
Her
Yes. You made it to 31 without drowning in a bucket or dying of the flu. Good job!
Me
YAY ME!
Her
Keep it up.
Me
I'll do my best. So far so good.
Her
NAILED IT.
Me
I have nailed not dying up to this very moment. And hey! Look, I still haven't died! I AM AWESOME AT THIS.
Her
I feel a plaque or a trophy coming on.
Me
This is how we should celebrate birthdays. Not the day you were born but the number of days you've succeeded at not dying. 11,680 consecutive days without dying.
Her
No personal deaths for the last 11,680 days.
Me
There could be a banner.
