Does Not Compute

There are certain human behaviors that I witness from time to time that, no matter how long and hard I think about them, I will never understand.  And I'm not talking about crazy shit like cannibalism and bestiality.   I'm talking about things that so-called 'normal' people do that just make no goddamn sense to me.

I got started thinking about this because a friend told me she hates The Princess Bride.

See what I did there?

I'm gonna call her The Emphatic One because she intensely loves or hates almost everything.  It is a continuing point of contention between us that she rarely just feels kind of 'meh' about anything whereas I feel indifferent about a great many things.

And she hates The Princess Bride.  How can anyone hate The Princess Bride?  It's like hating cupcakes and puppies and sunshine.  What is there about that movie that could be unlikable?

I also have a friend who does not like french fries. Or donuts.  Or whipped cream.

I mean... 

just...

what?

That's just a big pile of heaven is what that is.

So as I thought about it I kept coming up with more things that people do that are just inexplicable to me.  Such as:

People with aggressively out-of-date fashion sense.  

Not people with no fashion sense at all, mind you.  Not people who wear nothing but shapeless t-shirts and jeans 24/7.  Those people just don't give a shit and they probably never did.  I mean people who followed trends to a point and then just stuck to their guns for the next 30 years.  

This was never OK.

Women who still have 80s hair, for example. That doesn't just happen because you're too busy to care what your hair is doing.  That requires time and effort.

Which means that 80s-bangs-lady makes the conscious decision every morning to completely disregard the evolution of modern hair culture and look like she just stepped out of a Whitesnake video.  This is not giving up.  This is denial of reality.

People who don't understand movie theater etiquette. 


Again, let me clarify, I don't mean assholes who yell out obnoxious comments in the middle of an intense scene just to be assholes.  I understand those people.  They are assholes.

I mean people who just don't seem to realize that they are talking at a normal volume and that everyone can hear them narrating for their neighbor.  

Or people who answer their phones.  They don't even bother to get up and leave the theater.  

The 'Thank you' is a little presumptuous. 

I once witnessed a woman answer her phone a total of five times during one movie.  She got up and left the theater twice only to come back in and answer it again 10 minutes later.  She never silenced the ringer... WHY ARE YOU AT A MOVIE? THERE APPEARS TO BE A MATTER THAT REQUIRES YOUR ATTENTION.

People who take the stall next to you in the bathroom when it is not their only option.

This one doesn't really require any clarification.  I mean, why wouldn't you want to distance yourself from a stranger pooping?  

I will actually leave the stall I have selected upon realizing someone is in the stall next to me.  Personal space, people.

This is my nightmare.

People who say they don't like water.

That's just stupid.

People who wear their shoes around the house with no plans to go outside.

I'm generally in my pajamas 2.5 minutes after arriving home. 

Even if I'm going out again later.

People who make blanket statements of dislike about entire forms of entertainment.


"I don't watch movies." 

"I hate reading."

"I don't even own a TV."

Do you also not like food?  Just... in general?

It's not even "I don't like Sci-Fi." or "I hate Romance novels".

"There has never been nor will there ever be a television show that I would enjoy."

Bullshit.

Douche.

People who write fanfiction about Tuck Everlasting...

or Cannonball Run...

or Night At the Museum...

or Human Centipede... 

It's out there people.  

Here's the link if you're depraved enough: http://www.fanfiction.net/movie/Human_Centipede/