Planes

Whenever I fly anywhere, I inevitably end up having the same thoughts.

Upon take-off and whenever we hit moderate to severe turbulence, I make peace with the possibility that this might be the end for me. 

When we are making our approach towards landing, I always try to judge at what point we could crash but probably still survive.

As people are boarding, I check my fellow passengers for people who seem like they might be cool to live with on a mysterious island.

I get annoyed that the flight attendants give me something to drink and then come to collect trash before I'm done and then never come back so I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do with my cup that still has ice in it after they tell us we have to put our tray tables up. Every. Time.

Then I play the 'fart or weird food' game where I try to identify the smell. 

Could be Mexican food, could be noxious gas.

And on every flight I am confused by the people who don't bring anything to keep themselves occupied.

No book. No laptop. No magazines. 

They don't listen to music. They aren't trying to sleep.

They just sit.

And sometimes, even worse, they try to talk to me.

Or they just sit in silence, sometimes looking over at what I am reading and making me feel slightly guilty for not talking to them. Like I'm specifically ignoring them.

Did you not know that this flight was going to happen? Were you not prepared to travel? Was this a last minute decision you made?

Or did you get on this plane fully intending to make a new friend and spend the flight getting to know them.

On my most recent trip, two men, who appeared to be complete strangers, talked about time-shares and where they've traveled for their businesses for 3 hours.

Three hours.

Why?

Dumb and Dumber 2 Trailer Official - Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels

Did you just watch that?

First of all, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I'm sorry this has happened to all of us.

I feel this should encourage us to take stock of where we are as a society.

Because Sweet Mother of Christ in heaven, what the fuck. 

I haven't written a post in about 6 months and this is what brings me out of retirement.  

My first thoughts when I saw this trailer were really just a long string of profanity. There were a lot of emotions.  All of them bad. Anger. Disbelief. Disappointment. More anger.

I mean, the first movie had a couple of funny moments and some quotable lines, there was really no need for a sequel. But apparently that was a thing people wanted to happen.

And now it has.

Thanks a lot, assholes.

I hope you're all happy with yourselves.

There is a certain point where a movie goes beyond simply being unfunny. A whole new level of unfunniness that is actually offensive. 

And I don't mean offensive as in the jokes are racist or sexist or homophobic. I mean offensive to me as a movie-goer.  Offensive to me as a person. Offensive to me as a sentient being who thinks thoughts.

Jeff Daniels... why?  

Why are you doing this?  You're a respectable actor.  You're on 'The Newsroom'.  That show is so intellectual that it's bordering on obnoxious.  But in a good way.

Jim Carrey... eh.  My expectations weren't high.

But this?

How dare you.

I'm not even going to try to explain why this movie is a goddamn travesty.  If you aren't already on board with that, there is no hope of me convincing you.

If I had to sit through the entire thing, I'd either end up killing every person who laughed or fall into some kind of fugue state as a coping mechanism.

Shit.

The Girl Who Didn't Know Who Tom Hanks Is

Once upon a time, many years ago, I met a girl who didn't know who Tom Hanks was.  I don't remember much else about her, but it doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is that she was a fully functioning member of modern society and she did not know who Tom Hanks was.

Arguably the most famous actor in the history of ever. 

This discovery came about while we were playing a game of 20 Questions.  At the time I was working at the Metropolitan Museum of Art gift shop at Rockefeller Center.  Which sounds really cool but mostly just meant we spent a lot of time standing around, polishing glass display cases, watching Japanese tourists pick out souvenir umbrellas and playing games.

I was attempting to get my coworkers to guess, that's right, Tom Hanks.  It should not have been difficult.  Once you got to the point where you had narrowed it down to 'male actor, middle-aged, brown hair, stars in movies both dramatic and comedic' and started just throwing out random names, his should have been at the top of the list. 

When someone finally guessed right this girl had no idea who we were talking about.

She reacted like a normal person might react if I had said I was trying to get you to guess Michael Biehn.

(Michael Biehn starred in The Terminator and Aliens before, for all intents and purposes, falling of the face of the Earth.)

There is no rational excuse that I can think of that would explain how a person who has not just woken up from a lifelong coma could be unfamiliar with Tom Hanks.

He's Tom Fucking Hanks.

People in Third World countries know who Tom Hanks is.

If you traveled to Namibia and asked children "What do you know about America?" they would say McDonald's and Tom Hanks.

Babies are born knowing two things, how to breathe on their own and who Tom Hanks is.

This happened in 2006.  Do you remember what else happened in 2006?  I'll tell you.  The Da Vinci Code was released in theaters worldwide.

And do you remember where I said we were when this happened?  That's right, New York Goddamn City.

Do you know what happens in New York City when a major motion picture starring the most famous actor in the history of ever is released?

Giant fucking billboards EVERYWHERE. 

Tom Hanks' face and name were plastered all over the city.  She probably could have seen him from where she was standing.

And the name didn't ring any bells for her.  Not a single bell was rung that day.

I am still baffled.

Conversations That Happened Today

These conversations actually happened today.  This is what my friend and I actually talk about.  This isn't even an unusually ridiculous example.  This is normal.


Regarding the fact that she spent $3,900 on childcare this year:

Her

I gave it to some old lady to keep her from drinking bleach or drowning in the toilet.

Me

If she managed to drown in the toilet I would be impressed.

Her

Have you not seen the caution labels on buckets? Little kids will drown in a bucket that has 3 inches of water.

Me

That's ridiculous.

Her

Because they do crap like that.  Top heavy little bastards.

Me

Maybe an infant who can't use his arms.

Her

The reason they're so cute is because their heads are so big.

Me

They fall into buckets face first and are then unable to extricate themselves?

Her

Yep

Me

I feel like they would have to try to drown.  I mean, if they just fell over the bucket would tip over.  I call bullshit.

Her

"Anywhere from 10 to 40 children a year drown in buckets.  Plastic buckets now come with a warning label to warn parents of drowning danger."

Me

Are these retarded, armless babies?  How large are these buckets in relation to said babies?

Her

I guess anything they can get their heads in.

Me

I think if you drown in a bucket it's natural selection and you weren't meant to live.

Her

But are they looking into the water as they drown?  Because upside down you have the length of your head to your nose.  Unless your head is tilted in a manner that your face is in the bottom of the bucket.

Me

Is the bucket nailed to the floor?

Her

I call shenanigans.

Me

I do too.

Regarding a coworker's assertion that a deadly flu is making its way around:

Her

I googled it.  Some old man died in Boston but it was just regular flu.  All I saw was that it's hitting earlier in the season than usual.  No one is tottering around in hazmat suits and breathing machines.

Me

They talk about killer flus every year.  I don't know why people are so afraid of the flu.  It's not the 1800s.

Her

I think as a people we must constantly feel like our lives are at stake to keep from realizing how futile everything really is.

Me

So we have to be afraid that we're about to die so that we don't just give up?

Her

Exactly.  So we can feel like we overcame adversity.

Me

I never feel like I'm overcoming adversity.

Her

"I'm a survivor!  So I won't need to kill myself today!"  

"I could have gotten the flu yesterday... BUT I DIDN'T!" 

"WATCH ME ROCK THIS SURVIVAL THING"

Me

So I should congratulate myself on not dying every day?

Her

Yes.  You made it to 31 without drowning in a bucket or dying of the flu.  Good job!

Me

YAY ME!

Her

Keep it up.

Me

I'll do my best.  So far so good.

Her

NAILED IT.

Me

I have nailed not dying up to this very moment.  And hey!  Look, I still haven't died!  I AM AWESOME AT THIS.

Her

I feel a plaque or a trophy coming on.

Me

This is how we should celebrate birthdays.  Not the day you were born but the number of days you've succeeded at not dying.  11,680 consecutive days without dying.

Her

No personal deaths for the last 11,680 days.

Me 

There could be a banner.

The Best of 2013 According To Me

Best Albums:

Most of these were on the Rolling Stone list of best albums which reinforces my theory that I have great taste.

HAIM - Days Are Gone
Lorde - Pure Heroine
Arcade Fire - Reflektor
Daft Punk - Random Access Memories
Tegan and Sara - Heartthrob
Vampire Weekend - Modern Vampires of the City
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Soundtrack
London Grammar - If You Wait
Portugal.the Man - Evil Friends

M.I.A. - Matangi

Best Movies:

Now this is just a list of the movies that I saw this year that I enjoyed the most.  In order of release date, not quality.  

There are lots of movies that I saw this year that are not on this list.  Like 'Thor: The Dark World' and 'Beautiful Creatures'.  They are not on this list because they were not good. 

And there are lots of movies not on this list that are great and are going to be nominated for Oscars and such.  Like 'Gravity' and '12 Years a Slave'.  They are not listed because, with a few exceptions, I found that I just didn't feel like watching anything that wasn't going to make me laugh or involve explosions and/or supernatural creatures.  

Warm Bodies
Side Effects
The Sapphires
Iron Man 3
Now You See Me
Much Ado About Nothing
This Is The End
The Bling Ring
The Heat
The Way Way Back
The World's End
Ender's Game
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Frozen
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Best TV:

I watch a LOT of television.  And I generally don't watch things I don't enjoy watching.  

So this is just a list of the shows I enjoyed watching the most in 2013.  Ranked in order of how much I looked forward to them each week and how torturous it was for me to wait for them when they were on hiatus.

Breaking Bad
The Walking Dead
American Horror Story
Game of Thrones
The Originals
Scandal
Orphan Black
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
The Mindy Project
The Killing
Veep
Family Tree

Fanfiction: A Beginners Guide

For those of you out there with hobbies that involve going outside and interacting with other human beings, fanfiction is what happens when an obsessive geek discovers the internet.  More specifically, when he or she discovers that they can put anything they want on the internet and other obsessive geeks will read/look at/listen to it.

Some of you out there may already be aware of fanfiction and that either means you are an obsessive geek or you know an obsessive geek who doesn't know when to shut up and stop embarrassing him or herself.

For those of you I mentioned earlier, who don't know, here's the Urban Dictionary definition:

"A piece of fiction within a fandom utilizing characters and situations from a pre-existing work including (but not limited to) books, television programs, films, and comic strips."

As you may have guessed, I am quite familiar with this particular dark corner of the internet because I am, as I have written about many times, incredibly obsessive and incredibly geeky.

Now don't worry, this post is not meant in anyway to advocate or sell non-geeks on the idea of fanfiction.  This is meant to illuminate for you normals just how batshit insane some of us are.  Because it is hilarious.

(At this point I would like to state for the record that I have never written a fanfiction and I try to steer clear of the really fucked up shit.)

The first thing you should know is that there is an entire vocabulary of fanfiction.  There are so many genres and sub-genres of fanfiction that it would be impossible to list them all.  

As it mentions in Urban Dictionary, most fanfiction is based on some kind of romantic pairing of characters.  This Romance genre is then divided into either 'het' or 'slash' fiction, meaning the pairing is either heterosexual or homosexual.  

Now when I say that stories are focused on romantic pairings, that does not mean that they are limited to characters that are actually paired together in the original work.  Oh no.  Let us not limit ourselves.  If some weirdo wants to read a story about Professor McGonagall and Hagrid gettin' it on, I assure you some other weirdo out there wrote that story.

Or maybe Harry/Draco is more your thing.

Hell, let's not even limit ourselves to same species pairings.  If you want to read about Professor McGonagall hooking up with Dobby the House-elf you can bet your ass somebody wrote it.

(Here's another fun fact:  if you have a particular couple that you're fond of, then my people would say that you 'ship' that pairing.  Get it?  Short for 'relationship'?)

But let's say an elderly witch and a house elf isn't off-putting enough for you.  Maybe you want to read something truly twisted.  Never fear, there's always a lower place.  

There's a whole genre of Incest pairings out there, if that's the kind of thing that floats your boat.  Fans of 'Supernatural' have even come up with a specific name for stories about the Winchester brothers getting a little too close - 'Wincest'.

(Again, I would like to remind you, before I go on, that I do not read these stories.  I am just unfortunately aware of them and now so are you.)

Ok, ok, so incest is gross.  But you know what's grosser?  Incest plus pedophilia!  So if you're really demented, you can read a story that pairs Rick from 'The Walking Dead' with his pre-teen son Carl!  

Right now you might be thinking that I'm making this up and that no one would be sick enough to not only think that up and then write about it but then also post it on the internet where other people can witness their shame.  But you would be wrong.   

(I was going to try to post a link as proof but I started getting sucked into a black hole of depravity that I thought I might never be able to escape from.  So you're going to have to just take my word for it.)

I'm going to move on from this train of thought and not go into some of the other sub-genres you might stumble across because I feel dirty even thinking about writing them down here.

Instead let me explain the 'Original Character' fanfiction genre.  Because while it is pathetic, it's not horrifying.

An 'Original Character' story basically means the writer has taken her favorite character and paired that character with a character of her own invention.  

(I'm just going to assume the author is female from this point on because that is usually the case.)

You might assume that this means that this person is more creative than other writers because she has created a new character and integrated this character into the canon.  

(Canon means the actual story created by the people who are paid to do so.)

You would be wrong about this and I'll tell you why.  Because if you see that a story includes a pairing of a character from canon and an 'OC' this just means that the author has written herself into the story.  She has just taken the time to write down the fantasy she had where she is assigned to The Enterprise straight out of Star Fleet Academy and Spock, despite all his logic, falls madly in love with her.

"Oh yeah, this is gonna win an award at www.trekiverse.org this year."

Another fun quirk of fanfiction is the 'AU' or 'Alternate Universe' story.  In these the author has taken characters from the TV show or movie that she apparently loves and decided that the premise of said TV show or movie just doesn't work for her.  So instead of Tate and Violet from 'American Horror Story' meeting in a haunted house in the year 2011, they're star-crossed lovers from Victorian England.  And vampires.  Because, why not?

So now you might be asking yourself, if fanfiction is this lame, why do I read it?

Well part of that answer is because sometimes I am so deeply fixated on a current obsession that even the shittiest story about it sounds more entertaining than watching something new, created by professionals.

The rest of the answer would be that sometimes, sometimes, you find a story that is actually good.  Some of them are really, really good and you wonder why the hell this person is wasting their time on fanfiction when they could be writing novels.

And when I find that story I start to think that maybe this hobby isn't completely ridiculous.  Maybe fanfiction deserves some respect.  It's not all terrible and sad.

And then I see that there are 17,923 stories written about One Direction.

Memories

I was reading Hyperbole and a Half today (which is a blog that is amazingly hilarious: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ ) and I was marveling at how well Allie Brosh remembers her childhood.  

How she remembers detail and even her own motivations as a 4 or 5 year old.  And the more I thought about it, the more I figured she must make most of it up.  She can't possibly remember this much about her maniacal need to get cake when she was a toddler.  Nobody remembers being a toddler.  She would have to be some kind of freak.

So I asked a couple of my friends and started to realize that maybe I am in fact the one who is a freak.  I did some very basic research (meaning I typed 'what is the average age for a first memory' into Google) and discovered that most people say their first memory is from when they were around 3.  And I remember nothing about being 3 or 4.  If pressed I can maybe scrounge up something from 5 or 6.  Maybe.  

Which apparently is weird.

Anything that I think may have happened from elementary school back has a 50/50 shot of being something that my imagination has created based on a story that my parents told me or a photograph I saw.  I can't even be sure that I existed before 1988.  

My experience most closely matches the way characters in Sci-Fi movies describe the vague, mundane memories that have been implanted to make them think they had a childhood. 

I had a dog named Lacey, she ran away but I don't remember what she looked like.  We used to dig holes in the backyard for fun.  There was a secret passage way in one of the kitchen cabinets that opened up in my closet... I think.

None of the lame recollections that I have can be strung together.  Its like, instead of a video camera, I have a polaroid. 

I don't have any emotional connection to any of these rudimentary images and impressions either, much less any kind of understanding of how my child mind worked.  

This all leads me to the only logical conclusion.  At some point, in my early years, the original Heather died and was replaced by me, a clone.  

Or possibly some kind of really convincing android.  Maybe my parents are in on it or maybe they don't even know.  Maybe their memories of the incident have been replaced with some other, benign memories.

I'm a replicant.  Or maybe a Cylon.  Maybe there was never an original Heather.  Maybe I was just created in a lab out of stem cells as a 7 year old and implanted with the memory of that albino kid I'm pretty sure I was in first grade with...

Or, maybe my medial temporal lobe is just defective and that's why my episodic memory is for shit. 

Google!

But I think I'm a clone.