Peace On Earth And Goodwill Towards Men (In Theory)

My parents asked me if I wanted to go to the Christmas Eve service at our church this evening and, as with every year, I can't decide if I feel like it.   

On the one hand, I do.  Because it's nice to be surrounded by people who are all there to celebrate the holiday and togetherness and all the shiny, happy joys of community and family and such.  We always light candles and sing a round of Silent Night and it's just lovely.

On the other hand, when we're done reminding ourselves how lucky we are to have each other, we have to stand around drinking coffee and making awkward chit chat for 20 minutes before it can be considered socially acceptable to leave.


So to sum up, I would love to go sit with like-minded individuals in a room lit only by the soft glow of candles and twinkle lights and listen to stories of love and charity.  But only as long as I don't have to talk to any of them after.

Scary Movies (re-post)

The other day*** I went to see 'Scream 4' with my sister, Lara, and we both agreed that it was just as stupidly entertaining as we hoped it would be.  This lead me to wonder what it is about the 'Scream' franchise that I love so much.  

'Cause, in all seriousness, I totally love these movies.  Even the one where they kill Randy.

(Which left me distraught for days when I was in high school and is forever linked in 
my memory to the song 'Good Riddance' by Green Day because 
only that song could truly express my melancholy over the matter... )

Obviously these movies hold some kind of nostalgic value to me.   When the first movie came out on VHS, Lara and I literally watched it every day after school.  To the point that we could recite, line for line, the entire opening scene where Drew Barrymore gets gutted.

But why the obsession??  I mean, it's basically just a movie about a bunch of pretty, young people getting stabbed to death. 

Even as I write this I'm still not sure I get it.  I'm basically hoping that I'll figure it out by the time I finish.

I think a major factor is that 'Scream' fits in to the category of horror movies that I can enjoy on the least threatening level.

You can pretty much break down all horror movies into three categories: Slasher Flicks, which 'Scream' would fit in to, Ghost Stories, which would include things like 'The Sixth Sense' and 'Paranormal Activity', and Gore Porn, which is represented best by the 'Saw' franchise.

I'm sure there are movies that don't fit in to those categories, but whatever, shut up and let me finish.

Anyways, I enjoy two of those categories for different reasons and one category can go fuck itself.

Why did I Google Image Search
'Ghosts'?  I must be some kind
of masochist.

Ghost Stories I enjoy.  But only in a well lit room.  And only when I know I won't be spending the night in a house all by myself.  These include basically any movie with a supernatural, ambiguous force that I can't comprehend and wouldn't know how to fight against.  They scare the ever-loving shit out of me.  And when I get scared I cry.  Just watching the so-called 'ghost-sighting' videos on Youtube makes me cry.  Right now?  Just thinking about it?  I'm tearing up a little.  I might not sleep tonight. 

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Gore Porn movies should not exist and even if you paid me I would not watch one.  In fact, the idea that people pay money to watch people get horribly mutilated makes me want to vomit, cry and punch someone all at the same time.

Slasher Flicks I like because if they're good, they can make me jump and get a little adrenaline rush but I'll still sleep soundly that night.  I can watch them over and over.   

And some people might say it's stupid of me to be scared of something that doesn't exist, like ghosts (or do they?) but not of a human being with a knife who could kill me.   But to that I say, if I kick a human being in the balls I know he'll go down, but would a ghost?  Who knows??

Also, Slasher Flicks tend to have hot guys in them and the good ones have some witty dialogue.

*** quite a few months ago at this point.

Hell (updated)

This is what I imagine Hell would be like, if it was real:

You're itchy.  Not all over and not all the time, but one spot at a time and as soon as that stops itching somewhere else starts to itch.  Like being bitten by fleas for all eternity.

Also, you're cold.  Not frost-bite cold, but just cold enough that you think everything would be fine if you could just find a sweater. 

And you're thirsty.  And hungry.  And the smell of your favorite food keeps wafting towards you from somewhere.

Also, you have to pee.  And take a dump.  

There's a pebble in one shoe and a hole in your other sock that one toe is sticking through and you can't fix it.

The most annoying person you know is telling you all about their day and you can't get away from them because you can't move.  Whenever you try to tell them to shut up, all that comes out is "Oh, that's interesting. Tell me more."

Plus, they're a close-talker, so they're all up in your bubble.  And their breath smells like they ate a dead rat that was wearing a shitty diaper.

And just behind them, behind a glass wall, all of your friends are having the best party ever.  They're doing all the things you love and eating all your favorite foods.  Which sucks even more because you're already so hungry.  And every once and a while you catch snippets of conversation like "I'm sure glad (your name) isn't here.  I never really liked him/her".

And one of the guests at the party is the hottest person you can think of but you can't ever get a good look at them because someone is always blocking your view. 

In the background, the first line to "What's New Pussycat" is playing on a loop.  And every once and while that will stop and you'll hear the dial-up internet noise.

But not in any pattern so that you can prepare yourself.  Just completely randomly.  

And sometimes it's that annoying British siren.  

And sometimes it's 'Friday' by Rebecca Black.  But only the word 'friday' over and over and over and over....

Oh, and you have a bit of a dull headache just behind your left eye.  

And you just woke up.  But forever.

And you're pretty sure you forgot something important but you can't figure out what.  And you never will....

Gymkata (re-post)

I just read an article on Cracked.com that mentioned the movie Gymkata.  If you've never seen it (which I hope for your sake you haven't)  it's an 80's movie about a gymnast who has to fight a bunch of asian people for some reason that I can't remember.  He uses a pommel horse to kick lots of angry villagers in the face at one point and I seem to recall a scene where he's running down a hill through some kind stupid obstacle course...  there was a lot of swinging off of things and such.

Yeah. That's it.

Anyway, I saw this movie in the middle of the night when I was a child.  It was before we had cable and I was determined to stay up all night.  I think it might literally have been the only thing on besides that informercial for the rotisserie and I'd already seen that.  

For a long time I thought it might have been some kind of insane fever dream.

It stands out in my memory to this day and I'm pretty sure it's because it was the first movie I enjoyed ironically.  It was sooooo bad.  Which kind of made it awesome.

Gymkata introduced me to the concept of  schadenfreude.

AH ha ha hahahahahah...

Here's the trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Mkl9rtttog

Was that Pete Postlethwaite??


(I realize now that I have contradicted myself.  Because in another post I stated that I do not understand the concept of enjoying something ironically.  I lied.)

We're All Insane (re-post)

Why?  Cars.  That's why.

We drive cars around everywhere.  We take a class in high school and one test and then suddenly the entire world entrusts us with a hunk of metal and gears that travels at high speeds and runs on combustible fuel.

And we drive them around on roads with all the other people that took a class in high school and one test and just trust each other to check our blind spots and yield to on-coming traffic.

Seriously?  We don't trust each other with anything else, why this?  We set up alarm systems for our houses and carry rape whistles and teach our kids not to talk to strangers but we don't think twice about traveling 80 miles an hour down highways with total strangers who could kill us with one jerk of their arm?

It makes no sense at all.  Realistically, we shouldn't even trust ourselves behind the wheel. 

I mean, I accidentally run into door-jams far more frequently than I'd like and sometimes I forget what I'm saying halfway through the sentence.  Yet I still get behind the wheel and head to work every morning, confident that I won't do something retarded and kill myself.

It's a commonly held belief by most people that everyone else on the road is an idiot.  Other people are always driving like assholes.  Either they're going too fast or too slow.  They can't merge.  They don't use their signals.  They cut you off.  They run red lights and stop signs.  

But what else could we possibly expect when the entire traffic system basically runs on common sense, courtesy and the golden rule?

The entire modern world is hurtling around in giant, death-machines, pissing each other off and making stupid, oblivious mistakes and none of us even acknowledge how ridiculous it is most of the time.  It's amazing the entire species hasn't died off by now...

...then again... what's the alternative?  

A bike?

Pfft.

Apology From A Bad Driver (re-post)

Dear Sir or Madame,

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for aggressively cutting you off on 581 this evening in order to take the Elm Avenue Exit.  It was highly irresponsible of me and quite rude.  

This what I imagine you looked like.

If it is any consolation, I immediately regretted my decision.  For a solid 5 seconds I was pretty sure I was gonna die.  And possibly cause a multiple-car pile up, killing many other people and generally ruining everyone's commute.  That would have been unfortunate.

To avoid this unpleasantness I could have, of course, taken a later exit and still found my way home quite easily.  However, in my defense, that would have taken longer and I just wasn't feeling it.

Sincerely,

Heather

This is a picture of a cat that looks like it's driving.

My Christmas Playlist

Since I dedicated my last post to an incredibly horrible Christmas song, I thought it only right that I should express my true love of Christmas music by sharing my comprehensive Holiday Playlist. 

I think it's a pretty well rounded list of songs.  Some of these songs are good for embracing the joy and wonder of the Season.  Others are better for sitting by a window, staring out over the barren, snow-covered landscape and contemplating your lonely, pathetic existence.  You know, a little of this, a little of that.

Some of them are classics that everyone can agree on.  Some of them are songs that make a lot of people want to travel back in time just to murder everyone involved in its creation.

Some of them are songs that I have included not only because they are good songs, but also because they help me retain some level of dignity by providing some indie cred.

1.  All I Want for Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey (I am not ashamed to admit that this is my favorite)

2. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses (I'm desperately trying to learn all the words to this one)

3. Please Come Home For Christmas - The Eagles 

4. Underneath the Mistletoe - Bondfire (This is one of those ones I was talking about that make me feel cooler)

5. Step Into Christmas - Elton John

6. Blue Christmas - Elvis

7. Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys

8. Jingle Bell Rock - Bobby Helms (This is the one from every Christmas movie you've ever seen)

9. White Christmas - The Drifters (This is the one from Home Alone)

10. River - Joni Mitchell (Why are so many great Christmas songs so depressing?) 

11. Happy Christmas(War Is Over) - John Lennon

12. Feliz Navidad - Jose Feliciano (Come on, you know you love it too)

13. All My Bells Are Ringing - Lenka (Another 'cool' one)

14. The Christmas Song - The Ravonettes (not the one with chestnuts roasting)

... not to be confused with...

15. The Christmas Song - Nat King Cole (the one with chestnuts roasting)

16. What Christmas Means to Me - Stevie Wonder

17. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Tyler Hamilton (This is one of the good ones for morose introspection)

18. Christmas/Sarajevo 12/24 - Trans-Siberian Orchestra 

19. We Wish You a Merry Christmas - Weezer

20. Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogelberg (This song makes me cry a little bit every time I hear it)

21. Auld Lang Syne - A particular version by a bunch of people I've never heard of. (Why is the song used to 'celebrate' the beginning of the New Year so freaking melancholy?) 

What New Year's Eve looks like.

What songs about New Year's Eve sound like.

22. Santa Clause Is Comin' To Town - Bruce Springsteen

23. Silent Night - by pretty much anyone

24. Mele Kelikimaka - Jimmy Buffett (yeah, that's right, I included it)

This list was only intended to be 20 songs long but I couldn't cut it down.  I defy anyone to make it through all of these and not be overcome by the Christmas Spirit.  If you can, then you're dead inside and I'm sad for you.

'Do They Know It's Christmas Time?...'

...The most depressing, ethnocentric, bullshit song ever written in the name of charity...

Ok, this song has been around for awhile now, but this year they covered it on the Glee Christmas album, and like with many songs before it, that means I finally understood all the lyrics.  And damn they're messed up.

It's Christmastime; there's no need to be afraid

 -- That's just blatantly untrue...

At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade 
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy 
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime 

-- "OMG we're so goddamn lucky!  No one in the world could possibly be as happy as us!"

But say a prayer to pray for the other ones 
At Christmastime 

-- I'm sure the world's poor would appreciate being called 'the other ones'.  Also, 'say a prayer to pray' is just redundant. 

It's hard, but when you're having fun 
There's a world outside your window 
And it's a world of dread and fear 
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears 

-- Well this song has certainly taken a turn... but sure, we should take time to consider the less fortunate.

And the Christmas bells that ring there 
Are the clanging chimes of doom 

-- Christ, 'clanging chimes of doom?  Who wrote this song?  And would the bells that are ringing doom really be considered Christmas bells?

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you 

-- 'Better them than me.'  Yeah, that's the sentiment we should be going for here...

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime 

-- Ok, that's probably true.


The greatest gift they'll get this year is life 
Oh, where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow 

-- Where do they think Africa is?  The Seventh Circle of Hell? 

I suppose for the purposes of this song
South Africa doesn't count.

Do they know it's Christmastime at all? 

-- I think the more important question here is, do they care?

Here's to you, raise a glass for ev'ryone 
Here's to them, underneath that burning sun


-- "Cheers to those poor, desperate bastards!  Pass the eggnog!"

Do they know it's Christmastime at all? 

-- Who is 'they' anyway?  Just all the people that live in Africa in general?  I'm sure some of them know it's Christmastime. 

Feed the world 
Feed the world 

-- Oh, is that the message of this song?

Feed the world

-- "Here's some rice!" 

Let them know it's Christmastime again

 -- "Oh, and by the way, over here we'll be blowing wads of cash on crap we don't need and stuffing ourselves until we pass out!  Merry Christmas!"

Feed the world 
Let them know it's Christmastime again..." 

The Trunk of My Car

This image came with the caption: "Trunk deaths are much less common than they were in previous decades."

Now, I'm not exactly sure what normal people keep in the trunks of their cars, but I get the impression that it's generally things like wiper fluid and spare tires and oil.  Things meant to aid in the care and maintenance of said car.


And every once and a while I am taken by the notion that I am like these normal people and attempt to locate normal car things in the trunk of my car.  On the off chance that they were put there by the motor vehicle fairies in the dead of night.


Like today for example, when I came outside to find my windshield frosted over.  It's a perfectly rational belief for most car owners to assume that they can find a scraper in there somewhere.  


So, even though in the back of my mind I knew I was deluding myself, for a few fleeting moments I believed I might have turned in to one of these organized, well-prepared people.


Needless to say, there was no scraper in my trunk.


Here is a list of things I did find: 

• a kitchen timer
• a trash bag full of unmatched socks
• a wine-glass rack
• a printer
• a roll of wrapping paper
• a travel guide to Denmark
• an oven mitt
• a graduation robe
• one glove
• a velcro leg-brace
• half the speakers to a low-quality surround sound system.

I could explain to you how all of these items came to live in my truck, but I think it's more fun to let you wonder.

When you Google Image Search 'car trunk' a disturbing percentage of the pictures contain dead bodies

There's No Accounting For Taste

The recent release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 has brought about in me the same conflicting emotions that come up every time a new Twilight movie comes out.  Excitement and Shame.

Excitement because despite the fact that the books and movies are melodramatic to the point of ridiculousness and targeted towards 12-year-old girls, I absolutely love them.

Shame because the books and movies are melodramatic to the point of ridiculousness and targeted towards 12-year-old girls and I am a grown woman who should be above such things. 

This conflict then inevitably brings about a third emotion: Righteous Indignation.

Because why do I have to be above it?  Why can't anyone who wants to enjoy some good 'ole fashion romance that happens to include sparkly vampires and supernatural abs be allowed to do so without ridicule?

That's why I make a point to admit to every single potentially embarrassing movie, TV show, song, book or other form of mass media that I enjoy.

Yeah, that's right, I own not one, but two Linkin Park albums.  

I have, on more than one occasion, wished that I could find Mortal Kombat on DVD.

What's that you say?  The Percy Jackson series is a blatant rip-off of Harry Potter.  Both of which are meant to be read by children?  Whatever. 

And when I say that I like these things, I am not saying that I like them ironically.  Because this is a concept that I don't understand.

To say that I love the song 'I Want To Know What Love Is' ironically would mean... what?  That I tell people I love it because I know that they know that I don't actually love it and am only saying that I do as a joke?  

What exactly is the point of that?  To cover up the fact I really do love Foreigner but am afraid people will judge me?

Or when a person says they love something ironically, does that mean that they do indeed enjoy it but only to the extend that they enjoy how bad it is?

Is it the same as saying you like 'The Room' because it's so bad it's good?  Because this is another concept that I don't fully comprehend.  

Saying that you love bad movies is really just saying that you love mocking things.  And who doesn't love that?

In my opinion, there are plenty of opportunities for mockery readily available on a daily basis.  I don't need to search them out.  I'd rather watch a movie I actually enjoy.  Even if it is Troop Beverly Hills.

Hiking (Updated)

I heard once that after childbirth women produce some hormone or something that makes them forget how horrible the experience was so that they'll be willing to do it again.   I have no idea if that's true or total bullshit, but I do know that something similar must happen to me when I go hiking.  Because there is no other explanation for why I would keep putting myself through this.

Today I hiked 7 miles to and from McAfee's Knob with my friend Stephanie and her husband Jeremy.  It was a lot of fun except for the parts where I was pretty sure I was going to pass out or have a heart attack.

I already knew, in theory, that I am out of shape.  But to have that theory proven so irrefutably was slightly disturbing.

To say that parts of my body hurt that I didn't know could hurt would not be hyperbole in this situation.  There is apparently a muscle at the part of the body where the front of your leg meets the front of your torso that I can only assume is in charge of lifting your leg high enough to climb things and it started to hurt around mile 2.  At this point it's making it difficult to walk and I can only imagine what it will feel like tomorrow once it's had time to fully process what I've done to it.  My take away from this turn of events is that I need to have more stairs in my life.

My throat is actually slightly sore from the force with which I sucked in gusts of air.  It would be easier for me to catalogue the parts of my body that don't ache currently or show the signs of making themselves known tomorrow.  

My face.  My face is OK.  My hands are good.  The middle of my back seems to be alright, but I'm dubious about that lasting.

It was also disheartening to see just how many people are in better shape than I am.  It was a beautiful day on one of the most popular trails on the AT.  So there were a lot of people coming and going.  And many of those people passed us.   

There were elderly people less winded than I was.  We were passed by an entire Boy Scout Troop at least 5 times because every time they would stop to do something scouty we would catch up and pass them just for them to stride past us again in a few minutes.  At one point we saw a dachshund bounding up the mountain with his owners like it was nothing.

And yet despite all that, I already agreed to go hiking again next weekend with my family.  That should be enough time for me to fully recover use of my limbs.

Proof.

***Update:  I did not go hiking with my family this weekend.  It was a really long week... and I was tired... and I... DON'T JUDGE ME!

Thoughts On Fireworks

Has anyone ever correctly identified the finale on their first try?  

"Ok, seriously, this time.  This has to be the finale...".

Unless you're a little bit afraid of catching on fire, you're not close enough.

Have we reached a plateau in fireworks technology?  It's always the same explosions.  You've got your big, round, colorful ones and you've got your pixie-dust looking ones and the ones that looks like comets shooting out from the middle, but every year it's the same.  Shouldn't we be able to make them explode in the shape of a bald eagle by now?  Or one that explodes to look like a canon shooting out yet another firework set to the 1812 Overture?  That would be cool.

Speaking of the 1812 Overture, it really should be playing during every fireworks show.**  I mean, come on America.

It's just not satisfying unless you feel slightly concussed after every explosion.

Instead of having an hour's worth of sporadic, mediocre explosions and then a five-minute finale, can't we just have one, continuous, brain-meltingly awesome, fifteen-minute finale?

On the Fourth of July, I think all the fire-trucks on their way to put out the fires started by rednecks with contraband explosives and the ambulances carrying people with missing hands should all play patriotic music instead of their sirens.  Just for the day.  Just to lighten to mood.  Like an ice-cream truck but with maimings.

** The 1812 Overture was written by a Russian to commemorate a Russian victory and has nothing whatsoever to do with the American Revolution.