So I Saw The Conjuring...

Even though I was pretty sure I would regret it, I went to see 'The Conjuring' today and I have to say, it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be or as it was described.  That being said, it is still daylight and I might have to reevaluate later tonight when I can't sleep for fear of an invisible demon grabbing my leg and pulling me out of bed.

Part of the reason I'm not as terrified as I had hoped to be is because almost all the good scares are in the preview.  Another reason is because I spent a lot of the movie thinking "Why the fuck would you do that?"

First of all, why would anyone move in to such an obviously haunted house? 

I think the noose should have been their first clue.

I mean really.  It's a centuries old, run down farm house in the middle of nowhere.  You'd have a hard time convincing me to even walk in to that house much less live there. 

You never see a ghost story where the characters live in a completely nondescript apartment in a big complex.  The kind with white walls, beige carpeting and hollow doors that don't make any noise when you close them.  I'd like to see a ghost try to haunt someplace with carpeting.  I'm not sure it can be done.

It would have been more original if they had gone with a house that looked more like the house the family from this so-called 'true story' actually lived in.

Movie house versus real house.

The characters do a lot of cliche movie character things in this one.  Like investigating strange noises and going into dark, cob-webby basements. I'd like to see a movie where the characters react to creepy shit like a normal person would.  You would think this would be a given since it's such a commonly expressed opinion.  And yet...

(DISCOVERY OF A BOARDED UP ROOM/CRAWL SPACE)

Cliche Movie Behavior

WIFE:

What's in there?

HUSBAND:

I don't know, let's find out.

(grabs flashlight and sticks head in/investigates)

Normal Behavior

WIFE:

What's in there?

HUSBAND:

I don't know.

(nails boards back in place and adds extra nails for good measure)

(UNEXPLAINED THUMPING IN THE BASEMENT)

Cliche Movie Behavior

WIFE:

Honey, will you go check-?

HUSBAND:

Yeah, stay here.

(grabs baseball bat and heads down into the poorly lit basement)

Normal Behavior

WIFE:

Honey, will you go check-?

HUSBAND:

I absolutely will fucking not.

(turns on every light in the house)

(STRANGE VOICES/WHISPERING)

Cliche Movie Behavior

WIFE:

(whispering)

What was that?

HUSBAND:

(yelling)

Hello?  Who's there?

Normal Behavior

WIFE:

(whispering)

What was that?

HUSBAND:

Pack your shit.

(loads car, moves)

And if moving won't help, there must be other options than staying in your horrifying house.  Spend all your time in public places, maybe?  I would go live in a Super Wal-Mart until they kicked me out if I had to.

I'd at least like to see a movie where someone acknowledges the stupidity of the things people do in ghost stories.  

Spoiler Alert:  The first scene of 'The Conjuring' is two nurses telling their story about Annabelle The Doll, which is another of the Warren's 'real' cases.  They explain that they had this (insanely terrifying) doll that liked to move around by itself.  So they called in a medium, who told them that they had a ghost.  The ghost was a little girl named Annabelle and she just wanted to be friends.  So, naturally, they invited her to inhabit the doll and live with them.  Like you do.

The Warrens respond by very calmly telling the girls that they had made 'a mistake'.  

What they should have said was: 

"Are you both fucking retarded?"

I Need A Life Coach

How do people who have their shit together do it?  

How do they not eat every cookie that is put in front of them?  How do they save money instead of buying things? How do they get up early and go running?  

How do they go running ever?

I need a Life Coach.  Or a Drill Sergeant.  

I need someone to make me do the things I don't want to do.  The only reason I ever do anything is if there will be immediate negative results if I don't.

I think the technical term is debilitating, chronic, laziness.

I don't clean until things start to smell.  Or until I can't move around my apartment anymore and I get so disgusted with myself that I binge-clean everything.  

Except the shower.  I pretty much never clean that.  I figure it's basically self-cleaning.  

I don't watch or read the news.  Or seek out knowledge about pretty much anything unless I can find it through a quick Wikipedia search. If something important happens, Twitter will tell me.  And sometimes I watch The Daily Show and that's kind of like news.

But I don't watch it all the time because sometimes it's too much like news.

I do not work-out.  I can usually scrape up an excuse for why I can't work-out right now.   

"I just took a shower so it would be stupid to exercise and get all dirty again."  

"I just went hiking two weeks ago, that's should count for something." 

"My work-out clothes are in the laundry... 

...because I wore them around the house/slept in them for 2 straight weeks."

I need someone to come into my life and force me to be a healthier, happier person.  Whether I like it or not.

It's not as cute when I do it.

They could make me learn to cook things other than pasta and scrambled eggs.

They could make me read something found in the Classics section instead of Teen Fiction.

They could make me go to social gatherings that I'm invited to even if I don't feel like it.  

This would probably be the biggest challenge. I was actually happy that it rained on The 4th of July because that meant I didn't have to feel guilty about the fact that I didn't go outside all day or speak to anyone.  

I would hate this person with a passion.  I would curse their name and wish awful things would happen to them so that they would leave me the hell alone.

I would probably have to sign some kind of 50 Shades of Grey-style contract spelling out exactly what they are allowed to make me do and how I will be punished if I refuse.  

No weird stuff.

Otherwise I would just tell them to fuck off the minute they tell me I can't eat the whole pizza by myself.

My punishment for constantly bitching could be that I have to eat a slice of raw onion every time I whine.  Or they just get to punch me right in the throat.

It would have to be severe, is what I'm saying.  The only thing I might love more than watching TV and being alone is complaining.