Well, it wasn't really dinner, per say, because there was no dinner, just hors d'oeuvres and mingling. Which was so infinitely worse than dinner would have been.
If it had been dinner there would have been sitting instead of milling around aimlessly. There would have been one large group of people, all with the ability to carry the conversation, instead of small pockets of three or four people all burdened with the responsibility. There would have been plates of food to eat to occupy us when the conversation waned.
This get-together was a church gathering. I've recently started going back to my childhood church and I've come to notice a distinct pattern in many of my encounters.
Firstly, many people at the church know of me, but don't know me. They know my parents. Secondly, they know my parents have two daughters. They just don't know which one I am. So most conversations go a little like this:
FELLOW CHURCH-GOER
"Oh! I know your parents!"
ME
"Yeah, they go here..."
FELLOW CHURCH-GOER
"Are you in town visiting?"
ME
"No, I live here."
FELLOW CHURCH-GOER
"Oh, I thought you were living out west somewhere."
ME
"No, that's my sister."
FELLOW CHURCH-GOER
"Riiight. So you're an artist like your mom? Graphic design?"
ME
"Also my sister."
FELLOW CHURCH-GOER
"Oh... So... I went out to Yellowstone this summer, how did you like working out there...?"
ME
"Still my sister. I'm the older, less interesting one."
At this point in human society, why is small talk, a custom that is almost universally acknowledged to suck ass, still something we do? Can't we all just agree not to participate in it anymore?
Generally, in these situations, we all just kind of pick a corner and stand there either waiting for or dreading the moment when someone ends up standing near us.
Then there is the tedious opening dialogue made up of generic, inoffensive questions/comments about work and the weather and frankly, I can't imagine anyone ever wants to be talking about these things unless they are lobotomized or a meteorologist.
After you run out of the basics, maybe you're lucky enough to have stumbled onto some common ground and can start having an actual conversation. Maybe that conversation even lasts for a little while but probably you just reach the next uncomfortable moment when you both realize that neither of you have a follow up planned.
Maybe I'm just particularly anti-social, but to me this is the worst part. The dread starts to build more and more the longer the pause lasts.
Either way, at some point it will end and there is no smooth way to exit this situation. There isn't really any polite way to say "I want to be somewhere other than here, talking to you." The best you can hope for is a distraction of some form.
For all of these reasons, I propose a new system. I propose that from now on, in a mingling situation, when you enter the room just approach the nearest person and ask them if they could come back as an animal in another life, what animal would it be and why?
 |
| I would be a narwhal. |
And then, when the conversation is over, end it with a polite "Thank you, that was a stimulating conversation. I'm going to go talk to that person over there now."
