Planes

Whenever I fly anywhere, I inevitably end up having the same thoughts.

Upon take-off and whenever we hit moderate to severe turbulence, I make peace with the possibility that this might be the end for me. 

When we are making our approach towards landing, I always try to judge at what point we could crash but probably still survive.

As people are boarding, I check my fellow passengers for people who seem like they might be cool to live with on a mysterious island.

I get annoyed that the flight attendants give me something to drink and then come to collect trash before I'm done and then never come back so I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do with my cup that still has ice in it after they tell us we have to put our tray tables up. Every. Time.

Then I play the 'fart or weird food' game where I try to identify the smell. 

Could be Mexican food, could be noxious gas.

And on every flight I am confused by the people who don't bring anything to keep themselves occupied.

No book. No laptop. No magazines. 

They don't listen to music. They aren't trying to sleep.

They just sit.

And sometimes, even worse, they try to talk to me.

Or they just sit in silence, sometimes looking over at what I am reading and making me feel slightly guilty for not talking to them. Like I'm specifically ignoring them.

Did you not know that this flight was going to happen? Were you not prepared to travel? Was this a last minute decision you made?

Or did you get on this plane fully intending to make a new friend and spend the flight getting to know them.

On my most recent trip, two men, who appeared to be complete strangers, talked about time-shares and where they've traveled for their businesses for 3 hours.

Three hours.

Why?

Dumb and Dumber 2 Trailer Official - Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels

Did you just watch that?

First of all, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I'm sorry this has happened to all of us.

I feel this should encourage us to take stock of where we are as a society.

Because Sweet Mother of Christ in heaven, what the fuck. 

I haven't written a post in about 6 months and this is what brings me out of retirement.  

My first thoughts when I saw this trailer were really just a long string of profanity. There were a lot of emotions.  All of them bad. Anger. Disbelief. Disappointment. More anger.

I mean, the first movie had a couple of funny moments and some quotable lines, there was really no need for a sequel. But apparently that was a thing people wanted to happen.

And now it has.

Thanks a lot, assholes.

I hope you're all happy with yourselves.

There is a certain point where a movie goes beyond simply being unfunny. A whole new level of unfunniness that is actually offensive. 

And I don't mean offensive as in the jokes are racist or sexist or homophobic. I mean offensive to me as a movie-goer.  Offensive to me as a person. Offensive to me as a sentient being who thinks thoughts.

Jeff Daniels... why?  

Why are you doing this?  You're a respectable actor.  You're on 'The Newsroom'.  That show is so intellectual that it's bordering on obnoxious.  But in a good way.

Jim Carrey... eh.  My expectations weren't high.

But this?

How dare you.

I'm not even going to try to explain why this movie is a goddamn travesty.  If you aren't already on board with that, there is no hope of me convincing you.

If I had to sit through the entire thing, I'd either end up killing every person who laughed or fall into some kind of fugue state as a coping mechanism.

Shit.

The Girl Who Didn't Know Who Tom Hanks Is

Once upon a time, many years ago, I met a girl who didn't know who Tom Hanks was.  I don't remember much else about her, but it doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is that she was a fully functioning member of modern society and she did not know who Tom Hanks was.

Arguably the most famous actor in the history of ever. 

This discovery came about while we were playing a game of 20 Questions.  At the time I was working at the Metropolitan Museum of Art gift shop at Rockefeller Center.  Which sounds really cool but mostly just meant we spent a lot of time standing around, polishing glass display cases, watching Japanese tourists pick out souvenir umbrellas and playing games.

I was attempting to get my coworkers to guess, that's right, Tom Hanks.  It should not have been difficult.  Once you got to the point where you had narrowed it down to 'male actor, middle-aged, brown hair, stars in movies both dramatic and comedic' and started just throwing out random names, his should have been at the top of the list. 

When someone finally guessed right this girl had no idea who we were talking about.

She reacted like a normal person might react if I had said I was trying to get you to guess Michael Biehn.

(Michael Biehn starred in The Terminator and Aliens before, for all intents and purposes, falling of the face of the Earth.)

There is no rational excuse that I can think of that would explain how a person who has not just woken up from a lifelong coma could be unfamiliar with Tom Hanks.

He's Tom Fucking Hanks.

People in Third World countries know who Tom Hanks is.

If you traveled to Namibia and asked children "What do you know about America?" they would say McDonald's and Tom Hanks.

Babies are born knowing two things, how to breathe on their own and who Tom Hanks is.

This happened in 2006.  Do you remember what else happened in 2006?  I'll tell you.  The Da Vinci Code was released in theaters worldwide.

And do you remember where I said we were when this happened?  That's right, New York Goddamn City.

Do you know what happens in New York City when a major motion picture starring the most famous actor in the history of ever is released?

Giant fucking billboards EVERYWHERE. 

Tom Hanks' face and name were plastered all over the city.  She probably could have seen him from where she was standing.

And the name didn't ring any bells for her.  Not a single bell was rung that day.

I am still baffled.

Conversations That Happened Today

These conversations actually happened today.  This is what my friend and I actually talk about.  This isn't even an unusually ridiculous example.  This is normal.


Regarding the fact that she spent $3,900 on childcare this year:

Her

I gave it to some old lady to keep her from drinking bleach or drowning in the toilet.

Me

If she managed to drown in the toilet I would be impressed.

Her

Have you not seen the caution labels on buckets? Little kids will drown in a bucket that has 3 inches of water.

Me

That's ridiculous.

Her

Because they do crap like that.  Top heavy little bastards.

Me

Maybe an infant who can't use his arms.

Her

The reason they're so cute is because their heads are so big.

Me

They fall into buckets face first and are then unable to extricate themselves?

Her

Yep

Me

I feel like they would have to try to drown.  I mean, if they just fell over the bucket would tip over.  I call bullshit.

Her

"Anywhere from 10 to 40 children a year drown in buckets.  Plastic buckets now come with a warning label to warn parents of drowning danger."

Me

Are these retarded, armless babies?  How large are these buckets in relation to said babies?

Her

I guess anything they can get their heads in.

Me

I think if you drown in a bucket it's natural selection and you weren't meant to live.

Her

But are they looking into the water as they drown?  Because upside down you have the length of your head to your nose.  Unless your head is tilted in a manner that your face is in the bottom of the bucket.

Me

Is the bucket nailed to the floor?

Her

I call shenanigans.

Me

I do too.

Regarding a coworker's assertion that a deadly flu is making its way around:

Her

I googled it.  Some old man died in Boston but it was just regular flu.  All I saw was that it's hitting earlier in the season than usual.  No one is tottering around in hazmat suits and breathing machines.

Me

They talk about killer flus every year.  I don't know why people are so afraid of the flu.  It's not the 1800s.

Her

I think as a people we must constantly feel like our lives are at stake to keep from realizing how futile everything really is.

Me

So we have to be afraid that we're about to die so that we don't just give up?

Her

Exactly.  So we can feel like we overcame adversity.

Me

I never feel like I'm overcoming adversity.

Her

"I'm a survivor!  So I won't need to kill myself today!"  

"I could have gotten the flu yesterday... BUT I DIDN'T!" 

"WATCH ME ROCK THIS SURVIVAL THING"

Me

So I should congratulate myself on not dying every day?

Her

Yes.  You made it to 31 without drowning in a bucket or dying of the flu.  Good job!

Me

YAY ME!

Her

Keep it up.

Me

I'll do my best.  So far so good.

Her

NAILED IT.

Me

I have nailed not dying up to this very moment.  And hey!  Look, I still haven't died!  I AM AWESOME AT THIS.

Her

I feel a plaque or a trophy coming on.

Me

This is how we should celebrate birthdays.  Not the day you were born but the number of days you've succeeded at not dying.  11,680 consecutive days without dying.

Her

No personal deaths for the last 11,680 days.

Me 

There could be a banner.