Small Talk

I know I'm not exactly breaking new ground by saying this, but boy do I hate making small talk.  It's just the worst.  Anyway, I bring this up now because the other night I went to a dinner party.  


Well, it wasn't really dinner, per say, because there was no dinner, just hors d'oeuvres and mingling.  Which was so infinitely worse than dinner would have been.

If it had been dinner there would have been sitting instead of milling around aimlessly.  There would have been one large group of people, all with the ability to carry the conversation, instead of small pockets of three or four people all burdened with the responsibility.  There would have been plates of food to eat to occupy us when the conversation waned.

This get-together was a church gathering.  I've recently started going back to my childhood church and I've come to notice a distinct pattern in many of my encounters.

Firstly, many people at the church know of me, but don't know me.  They know my parents.  Secondly, they know my parents have two daughters.  They just don't know which one I am.  So most conversations go a little like this:

FELLOW CHURCH-GOER

 "Oh!  I know your parents!"

ME

 "Yeah, they go here..."

FELLOW CHURCH-GOER

"Are you in town visiting?"

ME

 "No, I live here."

FELLOW CHURCH-GOER

"Oh, I thought you were living out west somewhere."

ME

"No, that's my sister."

FELLOW CHURCH-GOER

"Riiight. So you're an artist like your mom?  Graphic design?"

ME

"Also my sister."

FELLOW CHURCH-GOER

"Oh... So... I went out to Yellowstone this summer, how did you like working out there...?"

ME

"Still my sister. I'm the older, less interesting one."

At this point in human society, why is small talk, a custom that is almost universally acknowledged to suck ass, still something we do?  Can't we all just agree not to participate in it anymore?

Generally, in these situations, we all just kind of pick a corner and stand there either waiting for or dreading the moment when someone ends up standing near us.  

And then there's always those few awkward moments where neither of you are sure whether you are just standing near each other or about to start a conversation.  That usually lasts until one of you walks away, starts talking to someone else or takes the leap.


Then there is the tedious opening dialogue made up of generic, inoffensive questions/comments about work and the weather and frankly, I can't imagine anyone ever wants to be talking about these things unless they are lobotomized or a meteorologist.

After you run out of the basics, maybe you're lucky enough to have stumbled onto some common ground and can start having an actual conversation.  Maybe that conversation even lasts for a little while but probably you just reach the next uncomfortable moment when you both realize that neither of you have a follow up planned.  

Maybe I'm just particularly anti-social, but to me this is the worst part.  The dread starts to build more and more the longer the pause lasts.  

Either way, at some point it will end and there is no smooth way to exit this situation.  There isn't really any polite way to say "I want to be somewhere other than here, talking to you."  The best you can hope for is a distraction of some form.

For all of these reasons, I propose a new system.  I propose that from now on, in a mingling situation, when you enter the room just approach the nearest person and ask them if they could come back as an animal in another life, what animal would it be and why?

I would be a narwhal.

Or would they rather be blind and mute or deaf and paralyzed?

And then, when the conversation is over, end it with a polite "Thank you, that was a stimulating conversation.  I'm going to go talk to that person over there now."

Internal Monologue During Breaking Dawn: Part 2 Battle

Now this should not need saying, but I'm going to say it anyway so that no one can get mad at me for spoilers.  

I am about to give you an idea of what was going through my head while I was watching the climactic battle scene in Breaking Dawn.  If you haven't seen it, stop reading now.  

If you haven't seen it but don't give shit, feel free to continue but you probably won't get much out of this.

Here goes...




Showdown begins:

"This is pretty much how it went in the book.  Wonder what this big 'twist' is going to be..."

A few minutes later:

"Oh hey, Alice and Jasper showed up.  When is this fight gonna happen already?"

Carlisle:

"What the hell just happened??  ... What am I seeing? ... That did NOT happen in the books.  That was a bad choice filmmakers..."

Jasper:

"FUCK THIS MOVIE."

Seth:

"...why is this happening to me...? 

Fighting continues:

"This is not OK! I do NOT accept this. UNDO IT."

Those other Volturi creepers who aren't Aro:

"Yeesss... Make it hurt.  That should have been more violent."

Jane:

"KIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL HEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR"

Aro:

**incoherent expressions of rage and vengeance fulfilled that cannot be expressed in words**

It was a vision:

"Sweet merciful god in heaven above... I can't... what... holy living fuck... Ok... ok... whew... ok... 


... THAT WAS FANTASTIC."

Cultural Sophistication

Every few months or so I go through a phase where I decide I'm going to be more culturally refined.  I decide I'm going to watch more independent movies and read more classic literature and stop listening to only the 'Glee' soundtrack 24/7.  I'm in one of those phases right now.

Glee!

I feel like I need to listen to hipper podcasts.  Like Marc Maron's and 'This American Life'. (Which is on NPR. Which totally makes it important and intelligent and shit).  

I'm reading House of Leaves, which so far is awesome and the weirdest book I've ever read, but more importantly, makes me feel cooler.

One time I tried to read Jane Eyre on my own, without a professor telling me I have to, and it didn't work out.

Do classy people still read poetry?  I hate almost all poetry I've ever read so I'm not going there.

I feel like short stories are considered a cool thing to be in to.  Like, collections of short stories? I don't know.

I went through my DVR and canceled the season passes for shows that I don't think are good enough, like 'Gossip Girl' and 'Nikita'.  (Really, they are terrible).

I watched an independent movie on OnDemand today and it cost me $4.99.  But that's the price of intellectual superiority.

I still haven't seen 'Moonlight Kingdom'.  I haven't watched a documentary of any kind in, I'm gonna say, at least a year.


Sometimes I wonder, "Why can't I love small art-house movies as much as I love movies about superheroes and vampires?  Those people who talk about Bergman movies and how much they loved The Infinite Jest sound so much more sophisticated than I am."

Oh my god.  Look how long that is.
I don't even know what it's about.

For about twenty minutes.  And then I remember that that shit is boring and they just don't understand the emotional resonance of 'Grey's Anatomy'.  


That show makes me cry....

Almost 50% of these characters
are dead now.

Fangirling

I have a tendency to obsess about things like TV shows and movies and books sometimes. You may have noticed that about me.  The obsessions are intense but usually fleeting.  The love remains but the infatuation fades.  I'm currently coming down from the high of my most recent manic episode which was focused on Doctor Who.

In the break before my next flare up, I'd like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the fact that I am incredibly annoying when I'm like this.  I know it.  It may not seem like it but I even annoy myself.

It's not so much the fact that my capacity to re-watch the same movie or TV show without getting bored can only be matched by a toddler.  I'm fine with that.  

What's irritating to me and to, I'm sure, everyone around me is that I am never content to love something this much by myself.  I have to include everyone.  Whether they like it or not.

And I know I'm not the only person with this affliction.  It's called being a geek.  It's how we roll.

But I feel it's maybe a little like knowing you have a mental disorder.  You know what's wrong with you but you can't stop it.  You know that voice in your ear isn't real.  You know that nothing bad will actually happen if you don't turn the doorknob three times.  

You know no one really cares why David Tennant is the best Doctor.  

Way better than Christopher Eccleston.   

Way better.

Matt Smith is pretty good, but he's no Tennant...

... what was I talking about?  Oh right.  You know no one wants to hear about it but you just. can't. NOT. talk about it.

Sometimes I actually find myself only half-listening to what someone is saying to me because I am waiting and desperately hoping they will say something that in some way relates to the thing I'm fixated on.


"You're studying criminal psychology?  That's so interesting.  Have you ever watched Criminal Minds?"

"That's an good point you make about the war in Iraq...  'The cost of wearing the uniform can be high.'... Commander Adama said that once... on Battlestar Galactica... "

"Sure, I could go for some onion rings.  You know what's kind of like an onion ring?  A bloomin' onion.  You know who loved bloomin' onions?  Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

It's a problem.  I know.  And I'm sorry.  

To each every one of you out there who has had to put up with me not taking 'No I don't want to watch Star Trek again' for an answer.  I am sorry.

Just please take comfort in the fact that this is me showing restraint.

And this is what I'm actually feeling:

Movies I Will Never See

I can usually tell from the first preview whether or not I will ever see a movie.  Sometimes I decide I have to see it opening day, in which case I had probably already decided that before the preview.  Probably when I first heard that the movie was going to happen.  Probably because Joss Whedon or Jake Gyllenhaul are involved.

Other movies look like something I might enjoy once I can watch it for free on Netflix.

And then there are other movies that I know for a fact I will never see.  At least not voluntarily.   Some of them I would actually have to be strapped to a chair with my eye's pried open, A Clockwork Orange-style, to watch.

Here's some examples:

The Road

What I know about this movie:  Viggo Mortensen has to protect his son from baby-eaters in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and they're all alone because Charlize Theron killed herself.

Why I don't want to watch it:  Because I don't hate happiness.

Any Fast and/or Furious sequels

What I know about these movies:  Vin Diesel and Paul Walker drive tacky cars with unnecessary gadgets really fast and act tough.

Why I don't want to watch them:  I actually watched the original not too long ago just to see if I was missing out on something.  I mean, I like action movies  Maybe I was misjudging them.

I was not.  There was not a single part of that movie that was entertaining.  If you're going to drive cars fast, at least drive them somewhere interesting.  Not just in a straight line.  In the desert.  I don't even remember the plot because it was that boring.

There Will Be Blood

What I know about this movie:  Daniel Day-Lewis has a mustache and yells a lot about oil and milkshakes and is generally an asshole to everyone, especially some guy who's like a Preacher or something and may or may not be his son.  I don't know, I didn't watch it.

Why I don't want to watch it:  I actually bought this movie.  It was in the $7 bargain bin and it was nominated for Oscars and shit. I bought it and I still have never watched it.  And if that doesn't demonstrate my lack of interest I don't know what will.  

Saw, et al.

What I know about these movies:  A psychopath sets sadistic, disgusting traps that require people to horribly mutilate themselves in an attempt to get free and most of them die.

Why I don't want to watch it:  I'm pretty sure I've made this clear to anyone and everyone who will listen, but I fucking detest the entire concept of these movies


And while we're on the subject...

The Human Centipede

What I know about this movie:  That I almost threw up when it was described to me.  In detail.  Despite my protests.  And that writer/director Tom Six needs intense therapy and/or to be locked away from the rest of society.

Why I don't want to watch it:  Because, fuck you, that's why.  Just... fuck everything. 

Any Adam Sandler comedy

What I know about these movies:  I know that Adam Sandler is not funny.  

Why I don't want to watch them:  Because Adam Sandler is not funny. His most recent endeavors make me think he's actually just messing with us now.  That it's really just an elaborate experiment to see how shitty a product he can come up with and still get people to pay him.

I've never even seen his old school movies like Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison because I am not now, nor have I ever been, a 12-year-old boy and I'm pretty sure those are the only people who 'get' his humor.  

Any movie made more than 10 years ago...

... that I haven't already seen.

I'm just being a realist here.  If it's not a new movie and I haven't already seen it, I probably never will.  

The only reason I've seen half the so-called classic movies that I've seen is because I spent 4 years being forced to watch them and then graded on how I expressed my opinion.

Unless you are in the middle of a lesson about the use of montage or chiaroscuro there is absolutely no reason anyone should ever see Battleship Potemkin or Nosferatu.

As far as other classic movies go, my parents tell me that Lawrence of Arabia and Doctor Zhivago are excellent.  And they're probably right but I just don't have time to watch every good movie ever made.  

                                     
That time is reserved for watching The Avengers for the 7th time.

Does Not Compute

There are certain human behaviors that I witness from time to time that, no matter how long and hard I think about them, I will never understand.  And I'm not talking about crazy shit like cannibalism and bestiality.   I'm talking about things that so-called 'normal' people do that just make no goddamn sense to me.

I got started thinking about this because a friend told me she hates The Princess Bride.

See what I did there?

I'm gonna call her The Emphatic One because she intensely loves or hates almost everything.  It is a continuing point of contention between us that she rarely just feels kind of 'meh' about anything whereas I feel indifferent about a great many things.

And she hates The Princess Bride.  How can anyone hate The Princess Bride?  It's like hating cupcakes and puppies and sunshine.  What is there about that movie that could be unlikable?

I also have a friend who does not like french fries. Or donuts.  Or whipped cream.

I mean... 

just...

what?

That's just a big pile of heaven is what that is.

So as I thought about it I kept coming up with more things that people do that are just inexplicable to me.  Such as:

People with aggressively out-of-date fashion sense.  

Not people with no fashion sense at all, mind you.  Not people who wear nothing but shapeless t-shirts and jeans 24/7.  Those people just don't give a shit and they probably never did.  I mean people who followed trends to a point and then just stuck to their guns for the next 30 years.  

This was never OK.

Women who still have 80s hair, for example. That doesn't just happen because you're too busy to care what your hair is doing.  That requires time and effort.

Which means that 80s-bangs-lady makes the conscious decision every morning to completely disregard the evolution of modern hair culture and look like she just stepped out of a Whitesnake video.  This is not giving up.  This is denial of reality.

People who don't understand movie theater etiquette. 


Again, let me clarify, I don't mean assholes who yell out obnoxious comments in the middle of an intense scene just to be assholes.  I understand those people.  They are assholes.

I mean people who just don't seem to realize that they are talking at a normal volume and that everyone can hear them narrating for their neighbor.  

Or people who answer their phones.  They don't even bother to get up and leave the theater.  

The 'Thank you' is a little presumptuous. 

I once witnessed a woman answer her phone a total of five times during one movie.  She got up and left the theater twice only to come back in and answer it again 10 minutes later.  She never silenced the ringer... WHY ARE YOU AT A MOVIE? THERE APPEARS TO BE A MATTER THAT REQUIRES YOUR ATTENTION.

People who take the stall next to you in the bathroom when it is not their only option.

This one doesn't really require any clarification.  I mean, why wouldn't you want to distance yourself from a stranger pooping?  

I will actually leave the stall I have selected upon realizing someone is in the stall next to me.  Personal space, people.

This is my nightmare.

People who say they don't like water.

That's just stupid.

People who wear their shoes around the house with no plans to go outside.

I'm generally in my pajamas 2.5 minutes after arriving home. 

Even if I'm going out again later.

People who make blanket statements of dislike about entire forms of entertainment.


"I don't watch movies." 

"I hate reading."

"I don't even own a TV."

Do you also not like food?  Just... in general?

It's not even "I don't like Sci-Fi." or "I hate Romance novels".

"There has never been nor will there ever be a television show that I would enjoy."

Bullshit.

Douche.

People who write fanfiction about Tuck Everlasting...

or Cannonball Run...

or Night At the Museum...

or Human Centipede... 

It's out there people.  

Here's the link if you're depraved enough: http://www.fanfiction.net/movie/Human_Centipede/

Grown-Up

It has been exactly 10 days since my 20s ended.  In the past, age milestones have mostly been accompanied by something new I'm allowed to do.  

At 16 I started driving. 

At 18 I got a tattoo and voted.  

... nobody gives a crap about 20...

At 21 I purchased alcohol.  

But 30 feels like a milestone to me and there's nothing new I can do to celebrate it.  I can't even run for President for another 5 years.

So mostly I've just been thinking a lot about how grown-up, or not grown-up, I am at the dawning of this new decade in my life.

On the one hand, I do have my own apartment and pay my own bills.  On the other hand, my parents still have to bail me out on occasion.  

(We always say that it's a loan when in fact I think we all know it's not.  I like to think that if I don't ever pay them back financially, I will repay them by not shipping them off to a crappy nursing home when they get old.)

One indication of the aging process at work could be that one of my current favorite TV shows is a procedural drama on CBS.  But I think it's negated by the fact that I still also watch not one, but four shows on the CW.

I go to bed at 10:00 PM and get up at 6:00 AM all week.  And I'm OK with that.

Sometimes I wear heels to work.  And I own a blazer.

I not only searched for and found a doctor that takes my insurance, I also made an appointment and went to it.  All by myself.  That is literally the first time I have ever done that.  

And the doctor prescribed me vitamin supplements.  That's a old person thing, right?

Also, in case you missed it, I have insurance.

And a 401K.  And a Life Insurance Policy... or something... 

That said, the beneficiary of my Life Insurance Policy, or whatever it is, is my sister.  Because I'm single and childless and giving the money to my cat would be considered insane. 

My favorite part of the weekend is not going out partying with friends, it's going to church and then out to lunch with them.  I don't know if that makes us mature or just lame.

I went to at least two retail establishments this weekend knowing that I cannot afford any frivolous purchases and didn't buy anything but toilet paper.

Alternately, I still like new music.  I'm holding on to that as a sign that I'm still young.  I've even decided that if an N'sync-vs-Backstreet Boys-style allegiance must be sworn as this new crop of boy bands emerges, I'm picking The Wanted.  

Cause they're British.




**After I wrote this I discovered that One Direction is also made up of Brits and they have won the popularity contest by far.  So be it.

I Should Not Be Trusted To Care For Living Things

I feel about dogs the way I feel about children.  They're cute and it's fun to watch other people play with them but if you leave me alone with one I don't know what to do with myself.  

So when my friends asked me to take care of their dogs (and cats, who don't really count cause they're easy) while they were out of town this weekend I was apprehensive.  But I wasn't actually required to do anything other than check on them a few times a day to make sure they had food and water and let them out to do their business.  I figured I could handle that.

I rolled out of bed at noon on Saturday, threw some clothes on and headed over thinking it would take me 15 minutes tops.  Twenty if I decided to pet one or both of them for a minute.  Easy-peasy.

I showed up and read the note left for me with instructions for the care and feeding of said animals and it seemed simple enough.  Let one of the dogs out before the other because if I don't he'll pee while he's waiting.  Make sure the cat doesn't sneak out when you open the door.  No problem.

Except when she said 'let the dogs out' I took that literally.  And just... let them out.  And it wasn't until they had both bolted up the block that I noticed the tether on the porch that I was supposed to attach them to... which she had told me about the day before.

It's important to note at this point that it had just rained heavily and I was wearing flip-flops.  Which is really not the best shoe in which to be chasing down errant dogs even on dry grass.

After my initial panic subsided slightly, I stumbled after them up a hill and down an alley to where they were both having a fantastic time playing with another dog chained in a yard. 

...well, my friends' dogs were playing.  I think the chained up dog was pretty pissed off and resentful of their freedom.

At this point I had a slight glimmer of hope that I wouldn't have to call my friends and say "Hey, hope you're enjoying your trip.  By the way, your dogs are wandering aimlessly through the ghetto somewhere.  That's cool, right?."

I tried the pat-your-legs approach.  I tried calling them sweetly.  I tried being stern.  I tried sneaking up on them in the hopes of grabbing them.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I actually got my hands on the boy and latched on to his collar.  The girl just looked at us in what I can only assume was mockery and frolicked away.

I actually tried to drag boy dog after her for a few feet.  Which was completely ridiculous.  There was no way in hell I was going to catch her while holding on to this guy - even if he hadn't been alternating between passive resistance and brute force to get away from me.

I decided to try to get boy dog home and call for reinforcements.  Another friend agreed to come help me track down girl dog who had already scampered her way down the alley and across the street to the next block.

Now to say that half-dragging, half-carrying a heavy, uncooperative, wet and smelly animal through the rain-soaked ghetto is an unpleasant experience seems pretty obvious.  I would walk hunched over, holding onto his collar until my back and legs couldn't take it anymore and then heft him up and carry him until my arms couldn't take it.  

I can't image how pathetic a picture this must have been.  I was really hoping some crack-dealer would witness my struggle and offer assistance.  

Somehow I managed to make it back and had the presence of mind to grab a leash before heading out to wander around calling girl dog's name.  I headed the way I had seen her go and asked a very large man in a very dirty t-shirt if he had seen her.  He had not.

I walked in a large circle around the neighborhood asking other random strangers, who on most days I would avoid eye-contact with, if they had seen a tiny white dog prancing around.

By now water from the puddles I had walked through had soaked up to the knees of my pants.  It was suddenly bright and sunny and hot and my frustration and hatred of the creature was growing exponentially.

Then my helpful friend called to tell me she had found girl dog.  Right in front of my car.  In front of my friends' house.

Which pretty much figures.


** I would also like to add that the next day the adventurous cat made a run for it but I caught her right in the neighbors yard.  Because even when they're running away, cats are easier to deal with.

This picture came up when I searched 'dogs frolicking'
and I didn't think it was fair that I was the only one who had to see it.