Movies I Will Never See

I can usually tell from the first preview whether or not I will ever see a movie.  Sometimes I decide I have to see it opening day, in which case I had probably already decided that before the preview.  Probably when I first heard that the movie was going to happen.  Probably because Joss Whedon or Jake Gyllenhaul are involved.

Other movies look like something I might enjoy once I can watch it for free on Netflix.

And then there are other movies that I know for a fact I will never see.  At least not voluntarily.   Some of them I would actually have to be strapped to a chair with my eye's pried open, A Clockwork Orange-style, to watch.

Here's some examples:

The Road

What I know about this movie:  Viggo Mortensen has to protect his son from baby-eaters in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and they're all alone because Charlize Theron killed herself.

Why I don't want to watch it:  Because I don't hate happiness.

Any Fast and/or Furious sequels

What I know about these movies:  Vin Diesel and Paul Walker drive tacky cars with unnecessary gadgets really fast and act tough.

Why I don't want to watch them:  I actually watched the original not too long ago just to see if I was missing out on something.  I mean, I like action movies  Maybe I was misjudging them.

I was not.  There was not a single part of that movie that was entertaining.  If you're going to drive cars fast, at least drive them somewhere interesting.  Not just in a straight line.  In the desert.  I don't even remember the plot because it was that boring.

There Will Be Blood

What I know about this movie:  Daniel Day-Lewis has a mustache and yells a lot about oil and milkshakes and is generally an asshole to everyone, especially some guy who's like a Preacher or something and may or may not be his son.  I don't know, I didn't watch it.

Why I don't want to watch it:  I actually bought this movie.  It was in the $7 bargain bin and it was nominated for Oscars and shit. I bought it and I still have never watched it.  And if that doesn't demonstrate my lack of interest I don't know what will.  

Saw, et al.

What I know about these movies:  A psychopath sets sadistic, disgusting traps that require people to horribly mutilate themselves in an attempt to get free and most of them die.

Why I don't want to watch it:  I'm pretty sure I've made this clear to anyone and everyone who will listen, but I fucking detest the entire concept of these movies


And while we're on the subject...

The Human Centipede

What I know about this movie:  That I almost threw up when it was described to me.  In detail.  Despite my protests.  And that writer/director Tom Six needs intense therapy and/or to be locked away from the rest of society.

Why I don't want to watch it:  Because, fuck you, that's why.  Just... fuck everything. 

Any Adam Sandler comedy

What I know about these movies:  I know that Adam Sandler is not funny.  

Why I don't want to watch them:  Because Adam Sandler is not funny. His most recent endeavors make me think he's actually just messing with us now.  That it's really just an elaborate experiment to see how shitty a product he can come up with and still get people to pay him.

I've never even seen his old school movies like Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison because I am not now, nor have I ever been, a 12-year-old boy and I'm pretty sure those are the only people who 'get' his humor.  

Any movie made more than 10 years ago...

... that I haven't already seen.

I'm just being a realist here.  If it's not a new movie and I haven't already seen it, I probably never will.  

The only reason I've seen half the so-called classic movies that I've seen is because I spent 4 years being forced to watch them and then graded on how I expressed my opinion.

Unless you are in the middle of a lesson about the use of montage or chiaroscuro there is absolutely no reason anyone should ever see Battleship Potemkin or Nosferatu.

As far as other classic movies go, my parents tell me that Lawrence of Arabia and Doctor Zhivago are excellent.  And they're probably right but I just don't have time to watch every good movie ever made.  

                                     
That time is reserved for watching The Avengers for the 7th time.