I Need A Life Coach

How do people who have their shit together do it?  

How do they not eat every cookie that is put in front of them?  How do they save money instead of buying things? How do they get up early and go running?  

How do they go running ever?

I need a Life Coach.  Or a Drill Sergeant.  

I need someone to make me do the things I don't want to do.  The only reason I ever do anything is if there will be immediate negative results if I don't.

I think the technical term is debilitating, chronic, laziness.

I don't clean until things start to smell.  Or until I can't move around my apartment anymore and I get so disgusted with myself that I binge-clean everything.  

Except the shower.  I pretty much never clean that.  I figure it's basically self-cleaning.  

I don't watch or read the news.  Or seek out knowledge about pretty much anything unless I can find it through a quick Wikipedia search. If something important happens, Twitter will tell me.  And sometimes I watch The Daily Show and that's kind of like news.

But I don't watch it all the time because sometimes it's too much like news.

I do not work-out.  I can usually scrape up an excuse for why I can't work-out right now.   

"I just took a shower so it would be stupid to exercise and get all dirty again."  

"I just went hiking two weeks ago, that's should count for something." 

"My work-out clothes are in the laundry... 

...because I wore them around the house/slept in them for 2 straight weeks."

I need someone to come into my life and force me to be a healthier, happier person.  Whether I like it or not.

It's not as cute when I do it.

They could make me learn to cook things other than pasta and scrambled eggs.

They could make me read something found in the Classics section instead of Teen Fiction.

They could make me go to social gatherings that I'm invited to even if I don't feel like it.  

This would probably be the biggest challenge. I was actually happy that it rained on The 4th of July because that meant I didn't have to feel guilty about the fact that I didn't go outside all day or speak to anyone.  

I would hate this person with a passion.  I would curse their name and wish awful things would happen to them so that they would leave me the hell alone.

I would probably have to sign some kind of 50 Shades of Grey-style contract spelling out exactly what they are allowed to make me do and how I will be punished if I refuse.  

No weird stuff.

Otherwise I would just tell them to fuck off the minute they tell me I can't eat the whole pizza by myself.

My punishment for constantly bitching could be that I have to eat a slice of raw onion every time I whine.  Or they just get to punch me right in the throat.

It would have to be severe, is what I'm saying.  The only thing I might love more than watching TV and being alone is complaining.